Aromantic Secrets
aw man i saw you answering questions so i need help; i believe i'm aro, but i f*ck around a lot, but ALSO i feel like real strong platonic feelings for my friends but ALSO sexual partners. So....what's going on? If there's people i feel both sexual and platonic attraction to...would that mean that i'm romantic? uuuugh i just can't find any difference between the two situations

Anon, aromantic describes people who do not experience romantic attraction, so that can apply to people who do engage in a lot of sex, as well as though that a strong plantoic attraction to.

I suppose the question you are trying to ask is.. Is romantic attraction the combination of both a sexual and platonic feeling/attraction? Well, perhaps to some it may, but it doesn’t nesseccerily have to be the case. In any case, if you believe the feelings are platonic in nature (as well as sexual), unless you believe that there is a romantic attraction, it is still possible that you are aromantic

Hope that helps!


ponte-vanima replied to your post “things that suck: days where you more acutely than usual feel the…”

what does “amatonormative” mean?

in terms of simple definitions, it’s basically just the attitude society has that romantic relationships are more important/valuable/real than other types of relationships (especially those that aren’t close family). that’s putting it simply, heh; it spirals out quite rapidly into something of a smog laying over a lot of different interpersonal, media, structural/institutional, etc. dynamics in a ton of subtle forms that would require a good long essay to cover. it’s also something that helps comprise or is leveraged by other types of normative and/or oppressive dynamics (like heterosexism) to enforce said oppression.

for a shortlist of examples of what kinds of things people are referring to:

- stating/insinuating/acting according to the notion that having a romantic partner or being romantically desirable is (globally) an important goal and lacking in either is a defect or problem that should be changed

- the trope/belief that not being interested in romantic relationships makes you immature, unemotional/cold, less human, etc. (pick one or more)

- the presumption that one’s friends are less important, shallower relationships, etc. compared to one’s romantic partner; relatedly, that if two people could have a romantic relationship, that is the more desired or assumed state of affairs than them not doing so

- language like “in a relationship” meaning “in a romantic relationship”, “liking someone (like liking someone)” meaning “being romantically interested in them”, etc.

- legal institutions that tie various benefits and privileges and general life-smoothing procedures for people who have close relationships with each other, to societal institutions strongly associated with romantic relationships

I know I am asexual but I am not sure whether I am heteroromantic or aromantic. I have always had crushes, which are somewhere in between romantic and platonic, on males, but I don’t think I would ever actually want to be in a romantic relationship at all. In fact, I think if I had the opportunity to be in a relationship with my current crush, the attraction would disappear. Does this make me aromantic?

If you have had crushes in the past which are between romantic and platnoic, then perhaps you are gray-romantic?

Strange as it may first sound, being aromantic isn’t really determined by whether you like or want to be in a romantic/romantic coded relationship.

oh god im super confused ok so i have like small crushes like once every couple years or so and i know that i'm definitely sexual but i just never get that romantically into people, like i can't really see myself dating anyone and maybe i just haven't found anyone worth dating yet or what but relationships have always been my last priority and in romantic situations i'm really detatched. what does that even mean???

It is possible that you are aromantic, anon, or your ability to experience romantic attraction is very low

Regardless you don’t appear to like romance as it stands in our culture, and are also very distant and detached when it comes to romantic relationships, and whatever your romantic orientation is, that’s ok! If you don’t imagine yourself in a dating situation, that’s ok! If you do not like the usual bells and whistles that come with dating, then build the relationships that make you happy, and that includes the possibleilaity you realise that you are happy often being on your own

Hi! I'm ace and I just got a boyfriend who is pansexual and he really wants to show a lot of affection for me, but the thing is I really HATE affection. Unless I specifically ask for it, I hate hugs, arms around me, kisses, even standing too close to me. Does this mean I am aromantic? Is there any way I can tell him politely that I do have feelings for him, but I don't want affection? I tried to tell him and he thought I friendzoned him. I don't know what to do should I just break up with him?


Even though displays of affections like kisses and hugs often are seen as romantic, they are not exclusively romantic and liking/disliking them do not affect whether someone is or is not aromantic. It’s all about a lack of romantic attraction, or the desire to be in a romantic relationship. How you identify is up to you and your feelings.

But if you’ve already talked to your boyfriend and he didn’t understand, I’m not sure if there’s much more you could do. You said that you only want affection when you ask for it, so have you told your boyfriend that you want to be the one to initiate any affectionate contact? Wanting a bit of control of the situation is natural and he should be able respect that and go at your pace. If he can’t do that, you deserve to find someone who can.

Is the aro-spectrum flag decided or are we still, like, divided? Does everyone have the same flag? I just find it really confusing...


We do not all have an agreed upon flag. The first and sometimes most comon flag is this one created by

I explain some of the issues with that flag in this post.

here are two flags that have been suggested by people in the flag discussion on aroplane, the aromantic forum:

My favorite flag is the one I use in my sidebar and icon. It was suggested by a tumblr user (I can’t remember the url I’m sorry) and I find it to be the most inclusive and generally the one I like best.

(note that the flags aren’t meant to normally have words on them, I did that just to show what the stripes are meant to represent)

Bless you and bless your blog you are amazing. (P.S. Is your icon the official (or at least recognized as such) Aro Flag?)

Thanks! and since this was similar to a previous ask. The answer is yes!

What's your icon?
I lost a lot a friends because they wouldn't accept/listen to when I tried to tell them I was aromantic. Most of them had other issues with me already (like how we didn't really like anything similar), but how can I prevent that in the future?

I am really sorry to hear that anon. Unfortunately, this is probably not an easy question to answer, because people can be very unpredictable, and even those who at first glance are generally accepting for most issues end up being ignorant to worst case, malicious when it comes to issues like asexuality and aromantism.

I suppose it would help if you met more people that had already come across the concept of being aromantic already? There are a few aromantic blogs on tumblr, for starters

At the end of the day, though, trying to infleunce what other people think and believe often doesn’t work. The main thing to remember, however, that it is ok to be you! Not that it is easy loosing friends by any stretch of the imagination, but if they are that unaccepting of your identity and feelings, then in the long run you are better off no longer having them in your life

Any followers have any advice?

I identify as Aromantic but lately I'm starting to question it. I've developed strong feelings for a friend of mine that I can't quite figure out if they are romantic or not and it worries me because I don't want to tell her I have romantic interest in her and then later realize it was just a very strong squish. Personally I wouldn't mind being in a platonic or romantic relationship either way but I'm worried about hurting her if these feelings don't last and I wouldn't know how to explain it


The way I see it, there’s no point in trying to pin down the difference between platonic and romantic attraction. For many people (including a lot of aromantics), there is no clear difference, and a squish and a crush are effectively the same thing. I find it more useful to ask questions like, what kind of relationship do I want with this person? Am I happy with things the way they are now, or do I want something deeper and more committed? Does the other person want the same things I want? Could they be happy with the kind of love that I can offer them (romantic or not)?

There is no shame in dating someone but then deciding to end it, because your feelings are not what you thought they were. This happens all the time, to romantic and aromantic people alike. Sometimes it’s not possible to understand what you really feel until after you’ve entered the relationship. It can be awkward and painful, but it is not wrong, as long as you are honest with her. Usually, this becomes clear within the first few weeks of dating, so the breakup is not too hurtful.

That is the worst case scenario. It is also entirely possible that her feelings and wants will be the same as yours, whether platonic or romantic. Or she might not mind if your feelings are platonic, as long as you can be together. (Happy asymmetrical romantic relationships do happen.) It’s a gamble, really. But every new relationship is a gamble, and it would still be a gamble even if you were certain of your feelings, because you can’t predict the future. Don’t blame yourself for not being certain. It’s fine.

Think in terms of what kind of relationship you want - what activities you want to do with her, and what kind of life you want to share with her. Don’t think in terms of platonic or romantic. Then do what you must to pursue that kind of relationship, including asking her out if necessary. Be honest with her about what you want and what you feel, and be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to be mistaken, but don’t dwell on the possibility so much that you forget to enjoy what you have with her now.

Trying to figure this all out. I already know I'm pansexual but I've never seen the difference between love and friendship like I want an open marriage with someone I trust but I really want it as a business proposal to like get through life with someone at your side. Does it even count as aromantic if you want a relationship you just don't see the difference?

There are many aromantics who would probably be in the same position as you anon, where they do not know the distinction either, so it doesn’t disclude you from being aromantic

You should probably note, however, that relationships aren’t inherenlty romantic, neither is love. Just to give you some food for thought, because that may influence how you want your relationships to form and function

I'm rather confused on stuff right now. I generally become attracted to people physically but not emotionally, but I don't DISLIKE the idea of dating. What exactly do I qualify as?

Hmmm….Though I don’t believe it is my place to tell you who you are, I would say that it is quite possible that you are an aromantic sexual, if you mean that you are physically attracted to people in sexual sense, i guess? and when you say you’re not emotionally attracted, do you mean romantically?

There are , actually many aromantics who don’t actually dislike the idea of dating (as in , going to movies, places to have dinner), since many aren’t actively repulsed by romantic-coded gestures or activities

Hope that helps a little! :)

I basically broke up with my boyfriend cause I felt uncomfortable and im an aromantic. Buhe keeps saying sorry that he hurt me but he didn't at all. And asking me if im sure cause he doesn't want to 'throw this all away'. What do I do?!

Well, anon, I have to say that if you felt uncomfortable in the relationship, then breaking up with him was probably for the best, so do not feel guilty about that.

From what you said, I get the impression that your ex is confused, and believes that you wanted to break up because he did something wrong and hurt you. If that is the case, then I suggest telling him that he didn’t actually do anything wrong, and sometimes people are simply not suited in a romantic relationship with each other

As for what you should do. Well, what exactly are you “throwing away”? I think this will give you a great opportunity to form a new relationship where both of you are happy. The important thing, however, is to have a think about what you really want, and to communicate that clearly with him so he understands

Hope that helps!

Is there an aromantic equivalent to polyamory?

I’m certain is possible for an aromantic to have more than one important relationship at a time, anon, however, I don’t know if there has a term that has been coined for it. As far as I’m aware, however, polamory doesn’t inherently have to be sexual or romantic, so perhaps there doesn’t need to be an aromantic equivalent?

Any followers know?


I’ve been rlly interested w/ like aromantic and demiromantic bc idk i think i would identify somewhere on the aromantic scale
so ive been doin my research yes (although im still an ignorant dumbass so correct me if i’m wrong)
and there’s a lotta people getting v confused about the definition of demiromantic sayin things like ‘well isnt that most of the population??’

the way i see it, its more about desire than anything else like
demiromantics can feel romantic attraction after forming a bond or w/e
but i think the point is they dont desire romantic relationships
and saying ‘most people dont feel romantic attraction for people they dont have a close bond with’ is like well
a lot of people go into not-yet-romantic relationships expecting a romance to come out of it. 
a lot of people flirt with or get close to people with an interest in them and an intention to make their relationship go ‘further’

and there’s a like fuckton of stigma against people who identify as demi-
which is mainly bc people aren’t quite getting what it means

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