Aromantic Secrets

so far all my life i haven't really cared about love and sex and stuff, because i have never been in love or had a crush or whatever, and never wanted a romantic relationship. So i know i'm aromantic. but i don't really know if i'm asexual. because i do watch porn sometimes. but i've never like looked at someone and thought mmm i'd like to have sex with that person... that would make me asexual right? or not...

Tue, 07 May 2013 07:13:00 -0400

It is possible that you are indeed asexual as well as aromantic, since asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, and not dependent on whether you watch porn

There are lots of tumblr places to look at if you want to ask other people for advice, such as

http://asexualadvice.tumblr.com/

http://asexualityexists.tumblr.com/

To name a few :)

does demiromantic people use the colours of your flag or...?

Fri, 03 May 2013 07:39:00 -0400

Aromantic.org & the flag.

arosecret:

“Because of the relative emptiness of the source site, it feels like something that was put together by a couple of people and not by a community. I like the ace flag because they at least attempted to get many peoples’ opinions and there is real thought behind it, real representation of the community.”

I’m actually one of the people who originally put together aromantic.org. At the time there were absolutely no resources for aromantics that were not exclusively asexual spaces. We made the site in the hopes that it would encourage a community, because we were sure we weren’t the only ones who felt the way we did.

And it worked! I was so excited when the aromantic community suddenly exploded on tumblr!

We designed the flag to be as inclusive as possible and we used fairly basic color symbolism. Green, (being the opposite, complimentary color to red, which usually represents romance), represents aromanticism. Yellow, like the yellow rose which represents friendship, stands for various forms of queerplatonic love. Orange, being red once removed toward yellow, represents lithromantics. And black represents romantics who choose to reject traditional romance.

We decided to make a flag even though there were so few of us because having a rallying symbol, we felt, would help coalesce the community. And I think it worked!

That said, of course now that there is a large, active community we should reopen discussion of the flag and any other symbols.

- From detectivepunchymchitsthings:

Interesting to know the history and meaning behind it! I agree though that we should perhaps reassess what we want for a flag.

Here is a quote regarding the history behind the flag’s creation. I don’t’ think they mention dermiromantics, but I see no reason why demiromantic people can’t use it :)

[IMAGE: Black text on orange background] [TEXT:I usually, or...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 21:04:03 -0400

[IMAGE: Black text on orange background]

[TEXT:I usually, or once every blue moon (and blue it is indeed) I feel guilty over missing my ex-girlfriend, because I don’t miss her. The thing is that sometimes I just want to have someone for myself in a non romantic, non sexual way and not even in a exclusive way, I just want to have free reign to touch somebody else, And yes I know most people like cuddles, but I’m not your overly cuddly person, not just with anyone. So even if I voiced my want for hug to the over all population, well I’m specific with whom can or not touch me freely (the number is less than five) . So there I lie craving touch. Sometimes this all temtps me to court people and I always decide against it because well, not many seem to be looking the kind of relationship I want; which pretty much would be a primary platonic open relationship (becuase I don’t think I would be able to hadle an exclusive relationship ever). And then I find myself missing the simplicity of something I don’t really want with things I can’t really give.

'ey, this is that same anon fer grey-demiromanticism. it's like, it isn't even ROMANTIK, it's just an extrordinarily strong platonic love? hell, that prolly makes little sense, but eh. also, it isn't even with all friends I'v gotten super-tight with, I never actually got a crush on my 100% best bro, so I don't ev en?

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:00:33 -0400

Could anon be having intense platonic relationships? Intense squishes? Are they necessarily romantic, or do you really really love your friends? I giess what i'm trying to figure out here is, is it a romantic or platonic intensity?

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:00:00 -0400

See his/her response below :)

'ey there, got rec'd here by another blog. do you know anythin' 'bout "grey-demiromanticism"? not grey/demiromanticism, but sort of like... a grey area in demiromantics. I ask cuz' I think I might be that? prime examples being that I've had 4 "crushes" on people, all of whom were super-close friends, and it was really just me getting extra-emotional about our friendship? I dunno', I just wodnered if you had any info, and if grey-demiromanticism is even a real term. thanks.

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 07:40:00 -0400

It’s not a term I am familiar with, but even if the term hasn’t been coined before, that doesn’t negate your expediences, so if the term helps you understand yourself better, why not use it? :)

If I get it, grey- demiromantiscm would be something like experiencing romantic attraction to people after you have developed a strong friendship with them, and perhaps your romantic attraction is not as strong as what you think is typical? Or something along those lines

Any followers want to chip in on this?

Hey, I can't remember if it was your blog, or one of the other aromantic blogs, but someone said something about people speaking about themselves to describe the entire community. I had a feeling that might've been me (thearomantic/ SilencedByGreed), and I just wanted to say that I've amended that not. Posted a vid about it, in fact. Could you please publish this so those aromantics who might've been offended by that, can know? Thank you.

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 06:44:04 -0400

No problem :)

Hi! I was wondering if any other aros/ace aros felt like they needed to connect with someone else like them. Most of the time I just treat it like I treat the fact that I have brown hair. But then other times I just feel isolated & I want to come out to everyone & I read as much aro/ace fanfic as possible. My friend thinks it doesn't deserve a lot of discussion but Idk. shrugs

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 01:49:00 -0400

Absolutely! I think most people want to be with others that they are on the same wavelength as, at the very least I do. and even if people don’t feel it necessary to connect with other aros/ace aros, for most it is only a part of who they are, and so most people will want to connect in other ways. For example, people will want to connect because they love a particular sport, or art, academically, etc.

I disagree with your friend, because I for one believe it deserves a lot of discussion. I know I have heard other people have said ‘what’s to talk about?” but particularly when it comes to romantic attraction, it is very likely going to influence how we interact (and how we wish to interact) with others

totallyace: Here’s a blog especially for aromantics! Not necessarily asexual aromantics, but...

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 15:29:17 -0400

totallyace:

Here’s a blog especially for aromantics! Not necessarily asexual aromantics, but aromantics.

thearomantic.wordpress.com

As a sexy aro myself who was feeling similarly isolated not long ago, I'm happy to talk to anyone who needs advice or help in that regard as well as recommend a few others who helped me feel less alone about it. :)

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 16:13:00 -0400

Thank you :) , I’m sure there are others who will really appreciate you lending your ear and experience as a sexual aromantic :)

To the anon who got cuddling referred to as sex: Do you go to my college? (FUS) Because seriously at my college if you are a girl (I know, you were a guy) and sit on the same couch as a guy and lean your head on his shoulder, half the campus is already planning your wedding and equates it to sex. It was supper annoying for my guy friend and I. I think by the end of the semester I'd given up with telling people we weren't dating, only our friends actually believed us anyway.

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 07:40:33 -0400

Thank you for your input anon! It must have been really frustrating, but I am glad your friends understood :)

So I'm an aromantic asexual (homosensual), and all I want is a queerplatonic relationship with another guy and we can cuddle. I explain this to people, and this confuses them. How can I be asexual and want to cuddle a guy ("that's sex, you can't be ace") and why would you want to live with someone, "no relationships"...how do I better explain this to them because people are. misinformed

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 21:15:00 -0400

This.. is probably the first time that I have heard cuddling referred to as sex O_0.

But you are correct in that people are by and large misinformed. Just out of curiosity, is there are reason why they would be of the opinion that you don’t want a relationship? Is that their first thought when you try to explain that you are asexual?

I think a great starting point is to try and explain that the term ‘relationship’ is actually alot broader than what mainstream media and society would like to believe.. and itdoes not automatically (or it shouldn’t) mean a sexual or a romantic relationship

It would also help if you try to explain that everybody is different, and so people have different desires when it comes to how they feel and how they wish to interact with other people

Do my followers have any other suggestions? :)

TotallyAce: Aromantic

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 04:59:19 -0400

TotallyAce: Aromantic:

totallyace:

The thing about asexuality- there’s no one way to be ace. You can be demi-sexual, gray-a (if you’re British), grey-a(if you’re American) and possibly all shades of Gray/Grey/Grau. You can still develop feelings for other people- in the romantic sense, if not in the nether regions.

Or, like me, you could be aromantic. Which is tough, because aromantics are a little more uncommon- or at least a little less talked about online.

http://arosecret.tumblr.com/ has a lot of great resources- and answers questions. There’s a facebook group, which advises the following links.

http://www.aromantic.org/

http://aromanticaardvark.tumblr.com

The last link on the list given is http://aromanticsanonymous.tumblr.com/, and although now inactive, there might be something there in the archive for you.

Hope this was helpful

do you have any advice for a sexual aromantic? i really hate how the asexual community act like they own aromanticism :/

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 04:53:00 -0400

It must be incredibly frustrating, but in my opinion its not so much that the asexual community ‘owns’ aromanticism so much that the aseuxal community is one of the few places where sexual and romantic orientations are separated. Again, I can understand your frustrating, however, since sexual aromantics are a minority within a minority. You may have heard aromantic asexual voice a similar frustration?

But I digress.. I’m not quite sure what advice you are looking for, whether that be handling the stereotypes that sexual aromantics face, or seeking the relationships (of whatever nature) that you desire, but there are are few blogs out there.. I have posted links before, but I see no reason to post them again :)

http://sexyaros.tumblr.com/

http://aromanticnation.livejournal.com/305.html#aromanticnation305

I think the most important advice I can give is, as hard as mainstream society may make it, is to not feel bad for being yourself. So you happen to experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction. If who you are and what you do doesn’t hurt anyone, what is the problem? It doesn’t make you heartless or any other negative stereotype that you have have come across

I'd define myself as mostly aromantic, yet reading this tumblr got me a bit confused about the terminology. I kind of thought "romantic attraction" was basically this complex thing people call love (and which I'm pretty sure I don't experience as society tells me I should), or the desire for its social effects or something. Now I see you making a difference between those two concepts and I'm not sure which one. Short explanation/link to resources please? :)

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 17:58:00 -0400

Ahh. Yes.. I have to admit, this is something which I’ve often wondered myself. It’s one thing to come to the understanding that behaviors such as kissing/giving gifts doesn’t need to be inherently romantic..and I think someone who studied culture/history will probably tell you that the conception of romance as we know it in Western culture is actually a relatively recent phenomenon…but that leaves the question/s What is romantic? and what the heck is romantic attraction anyway?

Unfortunately I don’t really have a good solid answer for that, the problem is, is that people have different ideas as to what constitutes romantic attraction.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve personally struggled with this and have come to the realization that despite behaviors not necessarily dictating identity/orientation… the fact of the matter is is that for me, at least, the desire (or lack) to perform certain behaviors is a concept a lot easier for me to comprehend and get my head around.

I do have a LINK to a blog post which has attempted to answer this question, however.

Here’s another titled For those struggling with the concept of romantic attraction

If any followers like to chip in their 2 cents feel free :)

not really advice, but in relation to the previous asker, I feel very similar, I'm aro/ace but I kind of don't want to be, I think it is because I want to experience this thing that everyone talks about, this thing that is apparently so important, and knowing that I can't experience it makes me want it more if that makes sense? Like, having the physical side, ie. sex but without the actual feeling of sexual attraction doesn't cut it for me? Kinda same with relationships?

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 01:02:00 -0400

Thanks for your input! :)

i don't know if i'm aromantic or not i just know that i've never experienced romantic attraction as i understand it but... i don't know how to explain it... i don't want to be aromantic?? like i want to have romantic relationships and everything it's just that i've never had those kinds of feelings and i'm afraid that that means i'm incapable of those feelings

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:55:00 -0400

Quite a conundrum..Hmm.. I think it may help you to ask yourself the reason why you don’t want to be aromantic/want romantic relationships.. is it because these relationships are more valued by society than those deemed platonic? If so it would help if you tried to shift this mindset.

It may be that you happen to develop the feelings differently or it may take longer. Even if you don’t however, don’t think that that will render you incapable of the relationship you want, or fear that it will result in you ending up ‘alone’.

But fellow followers, do you have any other advice to offer?

so sad tht media tries to brainwash u tht u need love. im aromantic & i know i am - no, im not going to magically change my mind! its like, why cant ppl accept my nature instead of putting us aromantics down & trying to change us?

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 05:15:00 -0500

It is incredibly frustrating how media perpetuates the idea that relationships are only important if they are romantic, and that everybody needs romantic love. Unfortunately, that is probably the reason why people are so unaccepting, because there is a whole trope dedicated to the idea that people who say they don’t want romance are only lying, even if that is to themselves.

and then there’s the fact that in media, people who are not in love are never happy, and thus the reason why they want to change us, out of pity

(2/2) My advice is this: it would be best in the long run for both you and the other person to either end the relationship or redefine it together. Communication is key is any kind of relationship. I know very well that it's way easier said than done to confront it, but if no one is communicating and being honest, people are gonna get hurt and end up resenting each other. In the end, I believe honesty is the best policy. I hope things work out. I believe in you!

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 03:52:30 -0500

Sorry for the delay, but thank you for responding and giving your advice! :)

Is it possible to be a polyamorous aromantic?

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 03:53:00 -0500

I think the best thing is to ask yourself what you mean by polyamorous. if what you mean by that is that you don’t experience romantic attraction, yet still love, then I don’t see why not :)